I once heard that the best way to the Lord is by developing a ‘relationship’ with Him. Para sakin, I’ve come to realize na parang isang Mabuting Lolo ang Panginoon; Nakatanaw sa bintana at pinapanood ang kanyang mga anak, apo…ang buong angkan…while they go about their daily lives. Nakikita nya kung saan tinago ni panganay yung tsinelas ng bunso, alam nya na si Ate ang humiram ng DVD kay pinsan na hindi sinauli nung hinahanap ito. He knows mom does all the chores at home while Father gets drunk day in and out and the kids don’t really care at all. Grandfather God gives instructions from his window, afar from those who actually needs it - and those who needs it doesn’t really hear him that much…his voice weakens the farther you get from him. Hindi sya nagkulang sa pangangaral, Wala syang hindi alam (kahit na hindi nakadisplay lahat ng achievements nya), always there at kung hindi mo man sya makitang nakatanaw, alam mong nandun sya…nag-iwan sya ng bantay, bukas ang ilaw o kaya naman bukas ang pinto at bintana ng bahay nya.

And that makes me think. Probably im sinning right now and my stakes of getting to heaven gets slimmer kapag napost ko na to sa blog ko…baka nga this mere notion is already a ticket to hell…but there are questions about him na wiz ko lang magets. Am i too childish to think of him this way? Alam kong ‘God works in mysterious ways’,(parang kanta ni Nina) but i can’t figure out his plans..his great plans for us to live eternally…but when i think of this, i can’t help what kind of life is there in heaven when all of you are goody-good-good. Once you enter heaven, are you psyched to behave good forever o baka naman may chance ka pang ma-evict gaya ni Lucifer at gumawa ng bagong version ng impyerno. Big Brother ba ang nag-aantay sa mga mababait up in the clouds? Extremes ba ang choices…black and white…When you’re good your’re eternally blessed and when you’re decided as a sinner habampanahon kang nasa Rotisserrie ni Sataning? Eh paano yung mejo mabait lang o kaya naman mejo masama? Meron bang masama pero pure ang heart or something? (masyado na ata akong nanunood ng anime..)

I remember the story of ‘Rock Haven’ when an (unconsciously gay) Christian met an ordinary (closet gay) guy and his faith was put into test. As the synopsis reads "is faith stronger than sexual attraction?" In the movie, yes but more importantly, they were in love. No matter how the Christian kid prayed, searched his soul and read the bible, his brain tells him another thing and that is to go for the gold! May nangyari! Nadiskubre yon ng nanay ng Christian na uber-hardcore ang pagiging religious/faithful and confronted the weird mother of the other gay guy. Nag-lash out ang nanay ng Christian…anong klaseng magulang daw yung nanay na hinayaan nyang may mangyari sa dalawa nilang anak..and the other mother replied, ‘that’s not being Christ-like’.

I’d like to ask God or Jesus sometimes, and get answers straight from them - like what i watched from Bible Movies na bubukas ang ulap at may lalabas na liwanag with matching boses from the heavens! Gusto kong itanong kung paano mabuhay ang isang Diyos?! paano maging perpekto..hindi ba boring yung kapag kaya mong gawin lahat pero hindi mo parin magawa..? Kapag nagco-conflict ang mga nangyayari sa gusto mong mangyari…parang, for example, binigyan nya tayo ng ‘free will’ pero gusto nyang sundin nating ang ‘his will’ and live the way he wants us to live…para makasama natin sya sa langit kelangan bang dumaan talaga sa lupa at magkasala at dumeretso sa impyerno? I have ideas that might answer my questions, but I want to say that only God knows for sure. Im not the kind of person that forces my opinions to others…Kunwari, sa isang pamilya, super bonding at close sila and then yung black sheep pupuntang impyerno, isn’t something as good as a full, strong family too good to be broken…Can really God destroy something so beautiful just to be faithful to his own words? Hindi na ba nya kayang i-edit o i-take back yung ilan sa mga nasabi nya?

Then there was Sodom and Gemorra incident na kunsaan alam ko inadmit ng Diyos na hindi na nya uulitin muli ang ginawa nya sa kasumpa-sumpang bayan na yon. True enough na yon ang orig na "Sin City" of all time (at nauso pa ang word na ’sodomize’ for gay sex!) pero paano naman yung ibang tao apart form Noah’s clan? Yung circumstantial lang na nandun o kaya naman biktima lang ng pagkakataon?! Is he perfect by calling "right is right and wrong is wrong" or by understanding the background of a person , why he came to be like that and what was His part in making the person he is now….

Just recently nadagdagan ang "listan ng kasalanan". Included na rin ang pagkagumon sa droga. I don’t know kung ano yung dosage na kailangan iniintake para masabing addicted ka na nga o yung level ng kaadikan o yung mere possession of drugs…naku, baka naman when you reach a certain point you can’t distinguish reality from hallucination yun na ang matatawag nating "from this point on nagkasala ka na". Just the mere fact that the "sin list" can be altered, makes me ponder. Will there come a time na masama nang lumabas ng bahay na naka-pajama? Na masama nang gumamit ng gay lingo? Na Masama nang hindi manuood ng "American Idol?"

I can’t say i know God or Jesus that well, i haven’t even read the Bible for a while now but I can’t stop thinking…Diba nasa Middle East si Jesus tska yung mga Apostles and after He died they spread out and conquered the world through his teachings…pero paano naman yung mga tao na nasa ibang lugar? paano naman yung nabuhay sa pagitan ng mga taon na hindi nasaksihan for once ang Mabuting Aral? Paano yung ibang life forms sa mundo? Life is Life…are pigs eternally damned to be eaten…how about the other religions? Non-Christians? Yung mga alien sa ibang mundo….Paano yung mga Special Child o Mentally Incapacitated? Kapag sila ba nakapatay accidentally mortal sin na yun at kapag hindi sila nakapagkumpisal (dahil ng abno) straight to hell na sila? I know God is good…but up to when? He is understanding…to what extent? Im even asking questions beyond my wits and even if He gives me an answer I may not be able to understand it.

Isn’t just being good enough? Pwede na ba yun, Lolo?